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RAIN MAKER
Oct 24th, 2013 at 10:42pm
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David Haynes. President NZFFA

RAIN MAKER

Spew O’Tearing, the new Chief Executive of Wrongterra, today gave his annual speech to the Federated Barmies Dairy group in Canterbury, New Zealand’s greenest area.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I gaze with quiet pride as I look out of the window upon the Freisan Republic of Canterbury.  When I was a lad, all of this area wasn’t fields, just a desert of native tussock and dry land suitable only for environmentally destructive sheep.  Now, thanks to technology and greed we have transformed the landscape into 700,00 hectares of wonderful monoculture of perennial rye grasses, a staggering achievement, quite literally if you’re a cow, unsullied by trees other than piles of stumps where we have kindly ripped them up.

There are many naysayers, particularly anglers and other in-stream lowlife, who decry our industry yet who else, other than God and Wrongterra, can create water?  Let the facts speak for themselves:   Back in 2000 there was only one billion cubic metres of water used for farms nationally, yet now that amount is used for irrigating dairy farms in Canterbury alone!  Nationally we have created nearly five billion cubic metres of new water for dairy pasture irrigation.  And that water doesn’t grow on trees, or fall out of the sky.  No, we have made it from holes in the ground and by diligently harvesting all the waste clean water that flows into the sea in rivers and streams.  I stand here proud in the knowledge that 78% of consumed fresh water in New Cowland, sorry Zealand, is used to spray on dairy pasture.

Canterbury should be especially proud for whilst it only has about 10% of New Zealand’s natural freshwater supply, it has over half of all NZ’s allocated freshwater and over two-thirds of the country’s irrigated area.  Now that’s what I call a success story!  I feel the right to be on Cloud Nine, mainly because we also make clouds using our irrigators which we like to run on hot sunny days, spraying fine mists of water high into the air continually throughout the summer.

Nowadays you don’t have to be bitten by a rabid dog to get hydrophobia.  You can join the dairy movement instead.  We take 1,000 litres of otherwise useless fresh water and, on average, cleverly compress it into 1 litre of milk.  But it does not end there.  No, we then boil all of the nasty water out of the milk to make powder to sell to Johnny Foreigner at a fraction of the price Kiwis pay for it.  The waste water, sorry, err condensate and permeate, is then used to replace the filthy fresh water in the ground.  Overseas, we have also recently experimented with additives to our milk powder but results of late have been mixed - illness and death mainly.

Of course we also make money, lots of it and the whole Country of Spew, sorry New, Zealand would not be able to sit in their La-Z-Boys, watching rubbish on 80” flat-screen TVs and cooking meat on a barbie (all made in China) without our contribution to the Government coffers.

We make this money in direct competition with those EU countries who have for years been the beneficiaries of Government subsidies..  We do not have and do not need subsidies, err...., apart from free water takes for irrigation and even this is not really free as we have to fill in a resource consent form sometimes and it is a very long form and can use a whole Biro’s worth of ink which our farmers have to pay for out of their own pocket, or that of an overseas Limited Liability Partnership dairy corporate off-shored in the Dutch Antilles via a brass-plate shell company.  I repeat we do not receive tax payer funded subsidies, err....., apart from the Crown Irrigation Service’s $400M fund but this is little people’s tax which really goes to private companies who take publicly owned water, store it in massive systems and sell it to dairy farmers.  To be fair those private water companies again have to fill in forms in English which can take a lot of time if you only speak Chinese or Spanish and the postage is quite expensive from Shanghai and Madrid as well.

Finally, I want to leave with but a few examples of our eco-credentials and community care to show how seriously we take our responsibilities to Poo, sorry, New Zealand:

We have donated hundreds of tonnes of excess buttermilk to a wastewater treatment plant in Taranaki which we believe will help in the lubrication of the machinery and river into which it discharges.  Similarly we are fertilising land by burying quite a lot of milk permeate under one of our farms in the same area.

As part of our community outreach programme we welcome Chinese company Shanghai Pengxin Group’s takeover bid for Kiwi owned Synlait Farms in Canterbury.  With their expertise in high quality manufacturing (as evidenced in the goods sold in The Warehouse), their rigorous animal welfare due diligence (applied when purchasing $200M of Crafar Farms) and eco-credentials (which anyone breathing in the Shanghai and Beijing air can testify) we welcome them with open cheque books.

We are cleaning up North Waikato by removing all the toxic coal in a 30-hectare open-cast site near Mangatawhiri and burning it so it won’t cause any more pollution.  By burning the coal to boil the milk we will create both water vapour and carbon dioxide - both essential to healthy plant growth.

Let us also not forget the individual contributions our suppliers have made to the environment.  Waikato Council recently issued a  $47,000 dollar award....errr...sorry fine, for Christopher John Howard Empson who enhanced flow rates in his local stream in Te Awamutu with dairy effluent.

Another win for Wrongterra was the Auckland District Court award/fine to Fenwick Farms of $110,000 for increasing microbial-diversity in a local stream by pumping tonnes of cow-sh*t into it.  Rest assured, as per Mr Woolley of Awarua Farms in Marlborough who has been garnished with similar awards from his local Council, we shall continue to support them by buying their milk.

And those silly little city dwellers moan about paying between $1.30 and $2.00 a cubic metre of water so they can make tea and have a shower!  Makes you sick!

Thank you.”





  

Co-leader NZ Outdoors Party http://www.outdoorsparty.co.nz
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shankspony
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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #1 - Nov 6th, 2013 at 6:25pm
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I wonder what help these sarcastic essays are? Other than getting support from a few like minded people. Surely they just turn the opposition off of entering into any dialouge and lower the levels of respect?
An advocate groups president should at least be able to advocate on clear facts rather than producing slightly childish short stories.
  
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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #2 - Nov 6th, 2013 at 7:22pm
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+1 shanks
  

fishing sure beats working,, i love animals,they're delicious
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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #3 - Nov 6th, 2013 at 9:07pm
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Him and Fellow Angry Man Tony Orman are twits in my opinion and will more damage than good.

If David Haynes gets onto the executive at United Future, I'll resign my membership.

  

It's ok if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.
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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #4 - Nov 13th, 2013 at 8:41am
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Or one could say, finally somebody with enough balls to call a spade a spade. Often the truth hurts, but its better then hiding it. In saying that he gets a bit carried away, but so do Federated Farmers. A happy medium would be nice!
  
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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #5 - Nov 14th, 2013 at 7:27pm
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Big difference between calling a spade a spade and calling a spade a Farming tool of infinite ncapacity to destroy rivers by throwing cowshit in it when wielded by Wrongterra.

I have no issues with spades being called spades, but juvenile rants calling people silly names is not helpful to anyone. It might make him feel better about himself but it's pathetic really.

I wonder if now he's on the board at United Future he'll tone this nonsense down or if he'll drag the party down to his level. Watch for press releases from the party that would make an 11 year old cringe.
  

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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #6 - Nov 22nd, 2013 at 7:09am
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Sad sarcasm. You can't win let alone make an argument like this.
  

Hunting wild animals on Department of Conservation administered land during the hours of darkness (½ hour after sunset to ½ hour before sunrise) is prohibited.
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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #7 - Mar 30th, 2014 at 4:07am
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When I was a child I could  be driven from christchurch to dunedin and every river had water. Now half of them are dustbowls.
  

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”
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Re: RAIN MAKER
Reply #8 - Apr 10th, 2014 at 1:06am
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I'm happy to take as much criticism from anyone who is doing something to help preserve our fisheries. I'm also happy to learn and be directed from others who are taking a different tack by doing something.  Unsurprisingly, I'm not really interested in comments from those who do nothing, there's too much of that and part of the reason why our fisheries are in decline as so many "can't be bothered".  As for sticking to clear facts, those are the ones with numbers in them in the text.  Feel free to check them out. 

David Haynes
  
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