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Normal Topic Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan (Read 9727 times)
Aunty
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Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
May 28th, 2011 at 7:30am
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I am not sure when black water rafting truly kicked off commercially, but it was in the late 1980's that myself and my flatmate at the time, Drunken Duncan and I decided that a wee excursion to the Waitomo Caves for this new pastime was in order. We duly booked and planned to spend a night at the campground afterwards and tell some lies at the local.

This was the middle of winter, and due to such and the  forthcoming immersion we decided that a large bottle of opal nera ( sambuca ) was in order for afterwards.

we had to be there by 10.30am and was told that we would be back and finsihed by 1pm. Perfect timing we thought for an afternoon at the pub.

We showed up with plenty of time to spare and were immediately approached by the manageress asking if we'd mind killing time until the 12.30pm group as they had a shortage of guides that day and a busy schedule. No problem for us and as she was cute we pretty much agreed to everything without listening and just staring at her tits.

So there we are sitting outside with 2.5 hours to kill and its 10am.

As we were sitting there I aked Drunken WTF we should do now to kill 2.5 hours and as if by some divine sign we both looked down to the handbrake area of the car and there was the opal nera. ' i guess one wouldn't hurt and its pretty cold ' commented Drunken

2 hours later we rolled out of the car. At 19 half a bottle of that shit straight on an empty stomach was pushing the boundaries. Drunken was faring no better, looking like a yacht tacking as we both walked off to reception. As the money had already changed hands earlier we were essentially just shown to the changing rooms and so escaped any sort of scrutiny again at reception.

after falling all over the changing rooms trying to get into wetsuits and basically making right royal c*nts of ourselves it was off to the assembly point. Our group was 90% Asian.

AFter getting helmets lights n tubees we were shuffled into the bus. Somehow Drunken ended up sitting in the front and  even though the drive to the departure point was short, he somehow managed to gain contol of the stereo. by sheer bad luck he found Joan Jett and the Blackhearts half way through ' I love rock n roll - put another dime in the duke box baby ' and proceeded to sing at a million decibels whilst headbanging and air guitaring in the front seat. Our poor group by this stage was looking nevous. Upon arrival at cave entry I was approached by the guide. He asked me if Drunken was Ok for this shit as he smelt like a petrol station. I explained that we'd simply had a big night the night before but all was A ok and sweet. For some reason I kept giving him the thumbs up and winking but it seemed to work and we were deemed capable of proceeding.

Blackwater rafting is basically sitting in tyre tubes and floating down slow flowing underground streams through limestone. very cool experience  but not to be confused with fast flowing white water rafting. usually the underground rivers are 2-4 meters wide and you can drift slowly through several abreast, whilst looking at glowworms and limestone formations etc. You have a  wetsuit, large booties, helmet and headlamp plus your tube.

at briefing, the gude explained that we would go through one part where the cave narrowed and as we went through this area we would need to float siingle file as if not there was basically a raft jam in the tight spots. we were taught the manouvre of frog, or something like that, where when the guide called frog, all of us would link together by lifting our legs and placing them under the arms of the rafter  in front, therefore making a single file chain that was linked together. the guide also commented that at the time we would be doing this we would be going through a big glow worm  grotto, so when she called frog, we had to turn our lights off, all link together, and be very quiet as we floated through this cavern and not to make ay noise or else the glow worms wouldnt glow or some shit like that.

Anyway, Drunken and I are in fine form, acting like trained seals. Drunken is next to me and we are floating through this pool basically being drunk idiots when the guide yells out 'FROG' . Duncan disappears behind me and his feet  duly appear and i latch onto them both basically having both his ankles in a headlock hold. We have all turned off lights and are floating slowly down with glowworms every where above us.

In my drunk state i decided that it would be a great hoot if i made Drunken yell out by grabbing a handful of his toes through his boot and giviing a helluva squeeze. I slowly released my grip on one of his legs and increased pressure on the other than suddenly grabbed his toes with my free hand and gave a hua of a squueze. The reaction was instant and with his free foot he tried to push away but i held firm. The tough prick however diidnt make a sound. Not satisfied I decided that a more forceful show was in order, so proceeded to grab more of his foot and push it aside, thus forcing his body out of the water. Again there was  a frantic kicking of air and pushing against me. I backed off again amazed at his resilience to pain without yelling. Knowing that i had one more shot and with his leg still gripped solid i decide that this was it and proceeded to take to his foot with my spare hand like hulk Hogan with a rag doll, I twisted every which way I could. His whole body was rocking and the splasing noisse from his spare leg made such a racket that I bailed out, again amazed at his strength. the grotto finally ended and the guide called for lights on I flicked on my light and turned around to give my mate shit, and I will never forget the feeling when i realised it wasnt my mate Drunken, but an Asian chick. Her eyes were like saucers and she looked truly terrified. My eyes were also like f*cken saucers and i was also terrified. Drunken was behind her and didnt have the foggiest what had gone on. The last 5 miutes of silence was finally broken by her launching a tirade of abuse in a language i diidnt understand. the guide came over and there was bit of a scene. duncan still didnt know what the f*ck had happened, and the  poor girl didnt speak a word of england. she was muttering non stop to her friend whom thank god also had terrible england and could only say' bad foot' and point at me to the guide. Drunken interjected saying that she had kicked like a mule when he was behind her in the dark bit and I commented that maybe i had inadvertently twited her ankle when moving.

Her friend had to help her out the water and she hobbled along back to the mini bus looking terrible. I then had to sit there in the mini bus with her. It was a VERY quiet bus trip rife back to base where Drunken and I decided that the free soup and shower wasnt actually needed and that we best leave pronto.

Poor girl probably still has nightmares about being accosted by us in the caves without realising the innocence of it..............
  

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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #1 - May 28th, 2011 at 7:58am
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Brilliant... I was laughing my tits off at that!!  Grin Grin
  

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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #2 - May 28th, 2011 at 8:15am
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I bet you still feel bad about that dont you Aunty.  Wink
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #3 - May 28th, 2011 at 8:26am
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Grin Grin Grin Fark that was a classic story
  

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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #4 - May 28th, 2011 at 10:53am
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Grin Grin Grin had to pass the laptop around for others to have a read, could just picture it Grin Grin
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #5 - May 28th, 2011 at 10:10pm
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Grin Grin Grin Farkin Brilliant
  

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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #6 - May 29th, 2011 at 2:06am
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Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin that explains the new pre float talk they give.
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #7 - May 29th, 2011 at 7:15am
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Ripper yarn.. Grin Grin Grin Grin
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #8 - May 29th, 2011 at 11:51pm
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Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin i was drunk when you first told me that yarn, its even funnier sober. imagine her stories of nz when she got home! Grin Grin
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #9 - May 30th, 2011 at 1:56am
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Excellent! Poor girl  Grin
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #10 - May 30th, 2011 at 3:13am
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Excellant! Cheers for that Grin Grin Grin
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #11 - May 30th, 2011 at 3:48am
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Ahhh tears rolling down my face. Brilliant Grin Grin Grin Grin
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #12 - May 30th, 2011 at 8:02am
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About time you wrote this up you big galooot.

I've heard a version of this story before. I was vodka'd if I remember correctly. (Which is unlikely).
  

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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #13 - May 30th, 2011 at 8:29am
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hahaha awesome, one of the funniest things ive read on here  Grin Grin
  
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Re: Blackwater rafting with Drunken Duncan
Reply #14 - Jun 1st, 2011 at 3:07am
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Grin
  

Make it happen!
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